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I’m in a great destruction again, battling against my own emotional self. I don’t know, maybe it’s kinda hormonal imbalance again or some type of mood swing. I’m so tired of this drama honestly but I can’t help it. Other people might think I’m crazy if they found out but I will try not to be bothered by them and by their judgmental act. I feel so guilty for entertaining this feeling of depression or mood swing or whatever you called it. While having a meeting in familiar circle group I’m in, suddenly, I felt rejected, it feels like noone cares or even bother to listen to me, they’re so happy as I watch them conversing with one another while I’m there, a wallpaper again. Then everything follows, I feel so least among everyone else, the thinking that I’m not good at anything, that I’m worthless, not good enough came in. My self-esteem is crushing down, and I’m helpless. My sister told me to consult a psychiatrist, which sounds crazy for me, but I think I will do soon if this emotional unstableness of mine still continues. I tried to unwind myself a while ago by going to the mall, strolling the bookstores and by eating some kinds of doughnuts, I felt a little bit better but as I got home, lie on the bed, I felt the loneliness again so I’ve realized that there’s nothing I could do with it if I’ll do it with just myself. I need someone who will help me, someone who will accept me along with my dramas in life, someone who will listen, someone who will never leave me nor forsake me, someone who will treat me like a precious one, like a treasured possession, okay I admit, I need Jesus. I need more of Jesus.

For the eyes of the Lord go this way and that, through all the earth, letting it be seen that he is the strong support of those whose hearts are true to him. 2 Chronicles 16:9a

My devotion yesterday made me realized that, truly, God sees everything transparently. He evenly blessed those who don’t do His will, how much more to those who faithfully hanging on to His promises and does His will. To the voice of Truth is where we supposed to listen. The enemies are always there waiting for the time of our vulnerability to attack and decieve us, God’s children, but God is faithful. As we ask Him for a firmer and stronger faith, He is more than willing to give it to us and He will not even let us be tempted on more than we can bear.

As of now, I’m writing this at the point wherein I feel so down but I’m choosing to hold on unto Him and His promises, for I know that everything will truly be fine soon. I think, my Lord is much stronger than this hormonal stuff. What I need is just positive thinking and a whole lot more of Jesus each day.



July 2018
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